Hey Posner, Give Me Your Cocktail... Fruit!!

Dear Richard Posner,

The other day I was eating lunch at Chicago's Standard Club. Guess what? You were there too, along with your four law clerks and their lacking senses of humor. Oddly enough, we both decided on dessert at about the same time, however, my young, agile body was able to make it to the buffet before your old, slowly decomposing body.

When you arrived at the dessert table, you undoubtedly knew exactly which of the delicious, hand-made sweets you wanted to eat. Unfortunately, all you could get to was my backside, because I was working that table. A little of this, a little of that.

I guess my indecision and the resulting delay in you getting to your dessert really pissed you off. You responded by catching my eye when I doubled back for more sweets, and giving me an intense mean mug. Let me tell you, Mr. Posner, I felt terrible. How dare I keep you from your sweet, sweet grapefruit.

Whoa. Whoa... a grapefruit? For desert? Oh word? You're a grapefruit eater? Bitch. You may have published 40 books, but you gonna need 'em when you sellin' fake hats in Times Square.

Sincerely,

HUTA

P.S. Pull your head out of your ass Posner.

New York... Stop Getting HIV!

A recent CNN.com article stated that an estimated 72 out of every 100,000 people in New York, or 4,800 people were infected with HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) in 2006. That is more than three times the national average rate of infection. The article came in the wake of studies performed using a new technology that is able to pinpoint the time of infection to within a six month window.

Naturally, when I read the initial paragraphs of the article, I thought to myself, "Great, I can figure out which dozen or so whores I need to kill so no one knows of my newfound cellular cuddle-buddy." As I read on, however, I found that I need not kill female whores, or at least not for any particular reason anyway.

New York Health Commissioner Thomas Freidan stated, "The populations that bear the greatest burden nationally -- blacks, for example, and men who have sex with men -- are highly represented in New York City." WHEW!! Thank god that is not me! Fackin' Queeaahhs!

Once I thought about it, though, I realized that its not the 1980's, and that there is no reason why people should still be getting HIV, especially not in numbers triple that of the rest of the United States. NEW YORKERS ARE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE HIV THAN THEIR SAN FRANCISCAN COUNTERPARTS!!!! Are you serious New York? What the fuck???

Put a damn trash-bag on your dick and die in traditional New York style... at the hands of Pat Bateman.


Pull your head out of your ass New York!

Shawne Merriman

Dude. Your knee is all kinds of fucked up. Have surgery. You're an NFL outside linebacker who rushes the passer and your knee is all kinds of fucked up. Have surgery. You have torn posterior cruciate and lateral collateral ligaments in your left knee that you already had surgery on once. Have surgery. You have seen 4, yes, 4 doctors who have told you to...have surgery. Have the fucking surgery dude.



Pull your head out of your ass Merriman.

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

I didn't know that was your real name until I decided to shit on you in a public forum (accuracy is paramount here at PYHOOYA). That said, for the rest of this post your new name is "Shit Box"...because that's what you are. You recently stated that you would eschew changing your style from producing crap that was just as likely to come out of the ass of a newborn as it was to come out of the mouth of some talentless asshole from Hotlanta (I'm pretending that you weren't born in Chicago because I won't have you as a blemish on that wonderful town).

You said this...
"If I wanted to, [I could] go that route and be respected [not for] my success ... respected [for] my music and my lyrics or whatever...I'm gonna stick to what I do and stay being successful and I'll do some mixtapes and some futures, something like that."

To that I have a few comments. 1) No. You couldn't be respected for your music or your lyrics because you are neither musically nor lyrically talented. Your name is Shit Box for fuck's sake. 2) I commend you for completely compromising your "ethics" in order to say "successful" (I realize that you're arguably a commercial "success" but you and your music still suck monkey balls so your "success" gets quotes around it). 3) You aren't respected for your "success", you're reviled for it. You are everything that is wrong with the music industry these days. In the words of Jon Stewart you are "hurting america". 4) Stay out of the mixtapes, nobody wants to hear you any more than they already have to.



Pull your head out of your ass Shit Box.

Top 5: Olympic Sports (Comedic Value)

I would love for some feedback on what your top 5 list would look like.

5. Curling

4. Trampoline

3. Synchronized Swimming

2. Race Walking

1. Rhythmic Gymnastics



Pull your head out of your ass legitimate sports

Rhythmic Gymnastics (Part 2)

I'm really just exasperated at the absurdity that is rhythmic gymnastics. How does one even get into that "sport"? I mean if some asshole can get a gold fucking medal for twirling a goddamned ribbon and throwing a dodgeball around to nobody in particular then surely competitive laziness is equally deserving. I can sit around and do nothing with the best of 'em. Shit, I even have variations on moves. I can do the classic sit and do nothing, but then right when you think thats all I've got...BOOM, I'm doing nothing with my hand down my pants. London better watch its ass in 2012 because I'm gonna storm those games and set all kinds of world records.



Seriously...pull your head out of your ass Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Rhythmic Gymnastics

This is an Olympic event? Really? What the fuck...its basically ballerinas doing ludicrous shit with props. They get Olympic medals for that. What kind of props do they use? Oh, I'm glad you asked. They include "rope" (jump rope), "hoop" (hula variety), "ball" (rubber), "ribbon" (attached to baton), and "clubs" (juggling type). That's right, fucking juggling clubs are used in an Olympic event. They should change the name of this event from rhythmic gymnastics to 1st grade gym class because that's basically all it is. The only thing it's missing is the giant parachute for all the "athletes" to get under.



Pull your head out of your ass Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Another Reason the South Sucks

CNN Article

In The article they talk about a form of punishment still used in the U.S., i should say the South used to deter kids from acting out in class. Yes, i am talking about spanking (not by old nuns in catholic school) we are talking about public school. Corporal Punishment is the deliberate infliction of pain intended to punish a person or change his/her behavior. I wonder if they teach this in education courses at universities to the people who are supposed to be molding our children into bright upstanding citizens. A side note: China has banned the practice. China. A country with a much better human rights record.

Not that it needs more reasons but seriously just the fact they call it corporal punishment reiterates how far back the south is compared to the north. Why cant they call it something a little less evil sounding. How about behavior modification (scratch that, it sounds 1984ish). How about Personal Improvement Method Practice (pimp).


(kid getting pimp'ed)

Pull your head out of your ass "The South" and teachers who beat kids.

Olympic Haters

Every time the Summer Games come around people say things like, "The Olympics are boring" or "I like the Winter Games better" or "Who cares about gymnastics or swimming?" Fuck that, don't believe the hate.

Only during the Olympics is it not only completely acceptable, but encouraged, to make thinly veiled offensive comments about another country and cover it up with the guise of nationalism. "The French really surrendered in that 4x100 relay, did they see some Germans?" "That Chinese guy can't win a sprint, he's way too short." "Of course the Kenyans are good at marathons, they run from cheetahs all day."

The US Gymnastics team is all kinds of jailbait hot. American swimmers straight ran a train on the competition. Top all of that off with the cockiest athlete since Neon Deion in his prime, Usain Bolt, and you have two weeks of festivities that make me so excited I could run through a goddamn brick wall.

How can you hate on that?



Pull your head out of your ass Olympic haters.

China

Respect to you China. You managed to make it 11 Olympic days without being thrown under the bus (although, truth be told, I should have gotten around to this days ago...so don't start congratulating yourself just yet). You were doing so well-ish, but then you had to go fuck with women's gymnastics. Are you really that desperate to out medal the US that you would cheat in the Olympics? Weak dude. I mean its not just that you're cheating in the Olympics, but then you had to go further and just give everyone the old "fuck you" by doing such a shitty job of it. You really expect us to believe this girl is 16 years old? In what world? I guess she could maybe pass for 16 in dog years, but certainly not in human years. Nothing in that picture is 16 years old. Okay, maybe the leotard...I don't know your policy on hand me downs. I know you're new to the whole interacting with the rest of the world fairly thing and all so in the future, instead of trying to pass clearly underage girls off as legal just start juicing. It seems to have worked really well for the East Germans in the 80's. Until then...



Pull your head out of your ass China.

Donald Trump

I know what you're all thinking (even you Trump, witcha bitch ass): here's another asshole making fun of trump for his ridiculous hair, or his ridiculous catchphrase, or his ridiculous show, or any number of the other ridiculous things about him that make him such a choad. You'd be wrong. We here at PYHOOYA do not condone repetitious jokes even when they're at someone else's expense. Today, Donald Trump, you're being shit on for what you're doing to the Chicago skyline. (Here it is in all its awesomeness). We don't hate you for building another tall ass building, those are pretty common, but just look at the glare you're putting off...and the goddamned thing isn't even finished yet. There's a fucking crane on the top of that building right now, not that you could tell from looking at it. Is blinding all Chicagoans part of some Trumpian master plan of yours? Did Omarosa suggest this?



Pull your head out of your ass Trump.

Airlines

Delays...that's all I got.



Pull your head out of your ass Airlines.

The Hoff

Seriously, get that dog off your penis.



Pull your head out of your ass Hoff.

Nancy Grace

I'm not even sure I can get started on this one. She's horrible. She's the devil. She's everything that is wrong with the world. And now she's getting sued for wrongful death for causing the mother of a missing toddler to kill herself. That's right, she has the unholy ability to pester someone into suicide. On behalf of myself, the Duke Lacrosse team and the countless souls you've destroyed: go away.



Pull your head out of your ass Nancy Grace.

Text Book Publishers

Why are you assholes? You prey on poor students in college or grad school (I'm not counting high school because there you're preying on the parents of those poor students) by making them pay insanely high prices for books. Its not enough that we pay thousands of dollars to further ourselves through knowledge is it? No. Fuck students apparently. Its totally reasonable to release new editions of math books every year because we all know how quickly math evolves...Seriously eat a dick. I couldn't find a picture of publishers stealing from poor people so I'm just putting up a picture of another asshole.



Pull your head out of your ass Text Book Publishers.

Indiana

Apparently Indiana isn't happy with their current slogan: "Indiana, how the fuck else are you supposed to get to Michigan?" They seem to have decided they need to separate themselves from the other shitty states in the union by doing obnoxious things like not observe daylight savings time. Now they're going for a slogan of "Seriously, we really suck." I don't know whether I'm more annoyed by the absurdity of it all or by the arrogance of this completely irrelevant state. Even maps of time zones are confused (see below). Finally, I realize that Arizona has a similar non-adherence to daylight savings time, but frankly...Arizona just doesn't suck ass the way Indiana does, so it gets a pass.




Pull your head out of your ass Indiana.

Male Tramp Stamp Guy

I went to Lollapalooza last night. The Glow in the Dark show was incredible, and I defy you to find a greater song than this. Anyway, the real highlight of the day was when I saw this.



That's right, a mother fucking male tramp stamp. Mother. Fucking. Male. Tramp. Stamp. And, it's a snowflake. I can only assume that he has a sun around his navel, because he's "just down with nature." And being a douche.

Pull your head out of your ass Male Tramp Stamp Guy.

Da Green Bay (butt)Packers

Lets recap the past week with the organization regarding Brett Favre:
1)They had told him no
2)Considered trading him (even to DA BEARS)
3)And decided to give him $20 million to not play

So what was the outcome?

After all that craziness the (butt)Packers have decided the reinstate the legendary douche bag

You ask why?

Because --->Brett Favre is the Hannah Montana of Football












Pull your head out of your ass Packer fans.

History? Nah...let's just make up some wild shit.

So the last time I checked the dinosaurs died because of a big ass meteorite hitting Earth and causing a massive dust cloud to block out the sun... but the HISTORY Channel decided that they wanted to keep it real. The dinosaurs didn't die from that weak sauce meteorite shit. They died because they all fought each other in crazy cage matches... hence their new series:



JURASSIC mother-fucking FIGHT CLUB...

Pull your head out of your ass History Channel.

Moving

Ok its the first of the month and that means its moving time for some of us. Its about the worst thing ever. Interestingly the two busiest months of the year for this horrible experience are two of the hottest...July and August. Its like some guy thought to himself "hey self, can you think of a way to make an already horrible experience worse," and then he said "oh hell yeah I can, just make people do it when its 90 degrees out and humid." Some people might argue that its better to move when its "nice" out than in say...may perhaps. Those people would be wrong.



Pull your head out of your ass Moving.